Originally posted on the FFML by Bert Miller <hkmiller@theeddy.com>
Heh. This seems like an interesting time to unleash
this bit of spamficcery...
The Few, The Proud, The Chosen
A Ranma 1/2 spamfic
by hkmiller
18 June 2006 - FFML draft
All Hail Takahashi Rumiko for creating the Ranma 1/2
characters. No disrespect intended by my unlicensed
usage.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Earth to Ranma!" Akane hissed. "Monster trashing
restaurant? Time for you to 'vanish'?"
"Not this time, Akane. I'm a guy, and a martial artist,
and I'm gonna clobber that monster on my own!" Ranma
insisted, easing out of the booth and standing up, fist
raised and clenched.
Akane rolled her eyes even as she threw the contents of
her water glass in Ranma's face. "Guess again, idiot!
What ALWAYS happens when you attack THAT kind of monster
with your fists? They're so hard to hurt that it takes
you forever! And in the meantime you completely trash
the premises! You can't ignore your duty!"
Ranma paused, teeth grinding and fists clenched. "Just
once I'd like ta..."
"Your DUTY, Ranma," Akane reminded, her own temper
beginning to show. "Which is more than some of us ever
get, no matter how much we want it! You know, 'one of
the few chosen in all the world' and all that. Now get
busy and transform!"
"Damn it, Akane, I gotta have some idea what KIND of
monster it is before I know who I gotta transform into!"
Ranma spilled the contents of her pockets onto the booth
table in front of her, ignoring, for the moment, the
odd-looking monster at the other end of the restaurant.
A collection of pens, rings, wands, and a wooden stake
clattered onto the tabletop.
Oddly, in Ranma's experience, the monster was neither
sucking energy from people in general nor searching for
a particular person from which to extract the essence of
their personality. Rather, it seemed to be inciting a
series of rather hateful-sounding conflicts between
couples who'd previously been sitting together. At each
booth and table it passed, the man and woman began
yelling at each other, and sometimes throwing things.
"Let's see... I got both'a my henshin pens with me, but
that thing ain't actin' like no youma or daemon I ever
heard of. And it ain't just up to mischief like a
runaway card. I got my magic microphone, but Idol Angel
Ranko ain't gonna be able to do much about that thing."
"You could put everybody to sleep," Akane supplied
helpfully. "And stop the fighting."
"Yeah, that might help some. But let's see... also got
my medallion for..." Here Ranma's voice dropped to a
whisper, "'Holy Kaitou Matahari', but I don't 'xactly
see anything needin' stealin' here, neither. Oh, I do
got my Devil Hunter ring too, but I left that damn magic
eyepatch and all the other stuff at home."
"Magic eyepatch?" Akane asked, raising an eyebrow.
"When did you get that? What does it do?"
"Oh, that's right; you weren't around. Well, last week
me 'n Ryouga were sparring in some vacant lot. I'd just
got splashed when this ditzy samurai appeared outta
nowhere and handed it to me. Usual speech about duty.
Better outfit than usual, but I get these stupid
sword-fighting skills which interfere with real
fighting."
Ranma thought for a moment. "Right. Akane, see if you
can attract its attention, then lure it outside. I'll
put everybody to sleep and then catch up, either as
Sailor Sun or Sailor Earth."
Ranma was just raising her magic microphone to her lips
to begin singing when the restaurant was invaded by
three girls wearing dresses more suited to a wedding
than a night on the town.
Akane's eyes lit up. "Hey, it's Wedding Peach! Neat!"
Ranma covered her head with her arms. "Oh, GOD no.
Anything but them!"
"Hold, monster! On this pleasant evening, in this fancy
restaurant, couples in love should be enjoying each
others' company! But you are trying to turn love to
hate! This has made me, the Angel of Love, Wedding
Peach, extremely displeased!" The leader, Wedding
Peach, accompanied this speech with several odd
gestures, waving her bouquet around.
While this was happening, the monster struck first, its
arms (shaped much like garden hoses) spurting a green
mist into the faces of the three girls.
"Oiro-naoshi! Wedding Change!" The three girls cried
out in unison, triggering their secondary
transformations. Now each wore a very short dress with
shoulder pads.
"Wow! I wish I could do that!" Akane said, hands
clasped before her chin. "They're so romantic!"
"Bah! I'm leavin', Akane, before-"
At that moment a holographic image of a regal woman
wearing white robes appeared before their booth. As she
clapped her hands, a ring appeared on the booth table,
in front of Ranma.
"I am pleased to meet you, Ranma Saotome. I am
Aphrodite, ruler of the Angel World."
"Pleased, I'm sure. Now if you'll just excuse me..."
"You must help your new teammates," Aphrodite remarked
pleasantly.
"Actually, they're doin' fine on their own," Ranma
replied, with a glance back at the battle.
Involuntarily, she shuddered as she saw that they
weren't.
"Take this magic ring, put it on, and call out, 'Wedding
Powerful Flower'."
When Ranma made no move to put the ring on, Akane
grabbed it and jammed it on Ranma's ring finger.
"Ranma, I don't know why YOU'RE always the one chosen
for these things (why can't it ever be ME for once?),
but when you're chosen, you're doing it whether you like
it or not!"
At Akane's continuing glare, Ranma muttered "Wedding
Powerful Flower", almost too low to be heard.
But not too low for the magic to take effect.
Immediately Ranma rose into the air, a corona effect
brightened the air around her, and a new dress appeared
on her body, replacing the oversized red Chinese shirt
and black pants she'd been wearing. Ranma found herself
wearing a floor-length white dress with purple accents,
a hoop skirt, arm-length white sleeves and gloves, and a
veil. In her hands she held a bouquet of purple
orchids.
"You have now become the Angel of Love, Wedding Orchid,"
Aphrodite said, beaming at Ranma.
"Ranma! That dress is BEAUTIFUL!" Akane gushed. "Is
there any way I could wear it at our wedding?" she asked
Aphrodite.
"I'm afraid not, child. The dress cannot be taken off.
And I'm not sure it would really fit you anyway,"
Aphrodite said as diplomatically as possible.
"She's right, Akane. Ya wouldn't really fill in this
front part, and the waist'd have to be let out."
"RANNNNNNMA..." Akane clenched a fist. "You didn't have
to say it like that!"
Ranma noted the warning signs and decided that joining
the battle would be the better part of valor. Hopping
over the table, Ranma darted into the fray. "So what
kinda attacks do I got?" she called over her shoulder to
Aphrodite.
"Your bouquet can fire anti-devil celebratory rice at
high velocity."
"Rice. Right." Ranma rolled her eyes, even as she
launched herself into battle to join her new teammates.
_________________
бееедняяяжка...
Вот, когда писал вспомнил одну сцену.( Ранма упал в источник почти утонувщей принцесы, а Генма - в Чиби Усу). Харука спрашивает: Что ты можешь предложить за нашу помощь?( враза неточная) Раанма-чан начинает достовать из карманов платья: хеншин полочки,различные жезлы, чашу Гроаля, завалив весь стол.
