by Siberian-Troll (архив) » 12 Feb 2007, 08:45
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Набор забавных цитат из различных фиков. Неокторые милы, некоторые забавны, некоторые смешны. Ряд - бесценны.
[quote]From "I Do", chapter 6, by Innortal:
"Mr. Ikari, Ms. Ayanami, how goes your marriage so far?”
Shinji immediately crouched into the fetal position, knowing that no force—short of Third Impact—would stop Rei from saying what the universe would dictate she needed to say. And here comes the meteorite.
“I have acquired a marriage certificate, we have set up residence within Shinji-kun’s apartment, as it is safer and maintained much better than my old one. We have not had a chance to discuss much about children or future job prospects, but we are confident we will be ready when it comes time to plan our future past high school.”
Shinji blinked. She hadn’t said—
“Also, we consummated our marriage last night. Anata was very active.” Everything fell silent. “May I be excused? I wish to return to our apartment and catch up on the sleep I missed last night.”
Shinji tried to force himself into a smaller ball.
The teacher nodded, knowing that this had to be some dream. Yes, his roommate had spiked the water again, and he was hallucinating.
Rei stood up and moved over to Shinji. “Anata, you will come as well. I know you are not fully rested, and we do have sync tests at four.”
Shinji weakly stood up and followed Rei, looking more like a condemned prisoner than a happily married man.
The teacher sat at his desk again after shutting the door. He reached into an open drawer and pulled out a bottle of liquor, a shot glass, and a loaded pistol. [b]“Open your history text books and read pages one through 400. The first one of you that asks about what had just happened, I will shoot you. Now, begin.”[/b][/quote]
[quote]From Nemo Blanks "Chaos Factor" [url="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2741704/1/"]http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2741704/1/[/url]
“Genma is a master of that style.” Nodoka sighed, wishing that her fat fool of a husband would simply open a dojo and instruct in Tai Chi, Kung Fu or even plain-vanilla Karate. He had valid diplomas from highly respected schools of all three arts, but he always discounted them as worthless, too dazzled by Happosai’s stupid panty-stealing art to understand that martial arts was a business. No one with a choice would ever want to learn Anything Goes. Tai Chi was for exercise. Anything Goes was for slaughtering inconvenient gods.[/quote]
[quote]King Mamba Su from the AU crackfic "And That's Terrible"; Lord Raa
“A babe who likes to drink? A Lolita that can cook? Man, Urashima sure has it made here,” the monarch smiled. He turned to the hapless ronin. “You know, despite the fact that you’ve not gotten me my chair yet, I like you. You’re building quite the harem here. You’ve got the loli who you’re training up, the cute one with the lovely looking breasts and you’ve the two who lesbians-”
“WE ARE NOT LESBIANS!!” Naru and Motoko chorused angrily.
“The two bisexual girls for when you want a three in the bed romp. Marvellous stuff, young man,” Mamba declared with an honest laugh.[/quote]
[quote]Chapter 6 of "Fetish? What's A Fetish?" introduces Naruto to the "joy" of tampons.
“Playtex, Kotex, Tampax...Why do they all end in ‘X’?” Our orange-clad hero asked in wonder, lifting one of the myriad boxes into the air and looking it over, “What the hell does it need wings for?”
“What do you think?” Shino asked blandly, looking a box over, himself.
With a shrug, Naruto guessed, “To fly?”
“Yes, Naruto, the tampon has wings so it can fly,” The second ninja replied sarcastically.
Since it was sarcasm, from Shino who rarely changes his tone of voice, Naruto missed it completely, “Wow, so tampons are flying toys that make people feel better during a rough time period.”
Naruto took the tampon by the string at the end, and started to swing it around over his head, “Shino, I think I’ve figured it out!” He cheered happily as the tampon began to gain momentum, “The wings will come out when it’s airborne, that’s gotta be it! Fly, tampon, fly!” He snickered, letting the brilliant toy loose so that it flew through the air, crossing the store in one mighty bound.[/quote]
[b]Добавлено [mergetime]1171258530[/mergetime]:[/b]
[quote]From MidnightCereal's "Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wales on Everything":
“Asuka, Rei, suit up,” Katsuragi ordered as she pried Dr. Akagi’s fingers from Aoba’s windpipe. “You two are going Shinji huntin’.”
“BELAY THAT.”
“Sir?” The Major shot him an intensely puzzled look.
“Commander?” Ritsuko said.
“Gendo?” Fuyutski managed.
“Narf?” said Aoba.
Did I stutter?
“Dr. Akagi, I assume that all civilians were sent to evacuation shelters before the field tests commenced?”
“Yes sir. Of course, sir.”
“Units-00 and 02 are not to engage Shinji. You are charged with finding a way to regain access to the control circuit of Unit-01’s entry plug. I trust that this task is not above someone of your exceptional talents, doctor?”
A little flattery to grease the wheels; Ritsuko validated him even as her green eyes betrayed disapproval. She knew what he knew. The city was replaceable. The Second Child and Rei were replaceable. Major Katsuragi, too. She was replaceable.
Unit-01 was not. Yui was not, and he would not risk her unnecessari-
BOOM.
It should have been just another explosion signifying the conflagration of yet another replaceable surface building. It wasn’t.
Hyuga gasped. “SIR! WE JUST LOST THE BASKIN ROBBINS ON IMAEDA AVENUE!”
It was as if Central Dogma had been renovated as a mass grave.
Subtly, Fuyutski leaned towards his only superior officer. “Ikari…that’s thirty-one flavors…waffle cones…rainbow sprinkles…”
“Did they have,” Gendo paused, “Butter Pecan?”
From the corner of Ikari’s eye, the old man’s deathly-ill profile darkened as he slowly nodded.
That’s it.
The Supreme Commander of Nerv rose from his Laz-E-Bastard. “Unit-00 and Unit-02 will proceed to cage four. Once at the surface they will intercept the Third Child and initiate a [b]Level-Three Old School Beatdown[/b].”[/quote]
[b]Добавлено [mergetime]1171258689[/mergetime]:[/b]
[quote]Kenchuro Tojo approached the Tendo residence, and peered at the sign that requested challengers to the Dojo to knock at the back door. He wasn't trying to challenge the dojo as such-- just one person in it-- so Kenchuro decided to announce his presence in another fashion.
First, he set up a small but quite colorful remote controlled fireworks display. He then changed into his fighting uniform and pulled out a bullhorn.
"ATTENTION TENDO DOJO! I WISH TO CHALLENGE THE REDOUBTABLE RANMA SAOTOME TO A BOUT! IN HONOR OF THIS MATCH, I WILL SING 'THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS' IN LITHUANIAN WHILE DOING AN IRISH JIG!"
This was, of course, completely the wrong way to go about issuing a challenge. Especially at three o'clock in the morning.
After setting off the fireworks, which for some reason made a picture of a potato, Kenchuro went into his performance. He sang off key, used the wrong tune, and mistranslated the lyrics anyway. What
he called an Irish Jig was closer to Appalachian Clog Dancing, and didn't look right in what he considered a fighting outfit.
Ranma, thankful that this was a night she could wear pajamas, dragged on a robe and went downstairs to see what the hell was going on, followed by the rest of the household. Excepting Genma, who
could sleep through the end of the world if he wasn't being directly attacked or offered food.
She opened the door and stared at what seemed to be someone in a pink gorilla outfit having some sort of spasm.
"Not happening. Dream. Gotta be. Too stupid not to be." She turned to drag herself back to her waiting, friendly futon.
"Hey, where are you going? I haven't finished my challenge ritual yet!" complained the pink gorilla.
"Like Ranma said," muttered Nabiki. "We're going back to bed, mister stupid dream. And that's the tune to the William Tell Overture anyhow."
"Hey, wait-- aren't you going to respond to my challenge with a flurry of athletic violence?"
"Don't have to," yawned Akane. "Neighbors'll do jus' fine." Without a further word, the assembled Tendos and Saotomes went back to bed.
Kenchuro stared in shock. Normally, his patented ritual would start a fight right then and there.
As the neighbors suddenly descended on him with various kitchen tools and implements of damage, he realized that it had PARTLY worked.
Girl Days by Kenko.[/quote]
[b]Добавлено [mergetime]1171259138[/mergetime]:[/b]
[quote]From "Fetish? What's A Fetish?"
“...Uh...I don’t know what that is...”
“...You’re kidding me, right? Please tell me that was a joke.”
“No...I’m...pretty not joking. I mean...well, should I know what it is? If I don’t, it can’t be that important.”
“That may very well have been the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. Naruto, how in the world can you not know what sex is?”
“Well, hell, I ask you a simple question, and you go and turn it into a confusing mess! Just tell me what it is so I can get it.”
Hatake Kakashi was walking down the streets of Konoha with his student, even though he was feeling less and less like his student. Jiraiya had pretty much taken over. That was part of why he found it so hard to believe that Naruto didn’t know what sex was. It looked like the unpleasant mission of teaching the blonde had fallen upon him, as he had no parents to do the dirty work. Ninjas didn’t exactly get a sex ed class, either. Where would they put it? In-between assassination 101 and weapons training 224? ...Actually, weapons training could probably be implemented...
“Hey! Quit spacing out!” Naruto shouted, punching Kakashi in the shoulder to get his attention back.
The copy ninja rubbed the spot on his arm, “You know, Naruto, when you asked me what Hinata might want from you for her birthday, and I said sex, it was mostly a joke. I thought you would get it, and we’d just have a quick laugh.”
“See? ‘Mostly’ a joke. That means that you think a part of her does want me to give her sex. I mean, I don’t want to get her a crappy present she doesn’t want. She’s always so nice to everybody, so I should get her something really good!” Naruto pumped a fist into the air, “Besides, I bet Lee my gift would be better, so I need to give her the best thing I can think of!”
“Well, you would definitely win that bet if...ugh, wait! Naruto, no! I was just kidding, so let it go.” At first, Kakashi thought that maybe he should be the one to tell Naruto about the birds and the bees. Now, he was having second thoughts. That sounded like more of a job for Iruka. Or even Jiraiya, as twisted as that might turn out. Hell, Anko would probably get the job done better than he had the mind to. Hm...having a woman teach him about sex just might be the way to go...
Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, “I’m never gonna leave you alone if you don’t tell me where to get some sex!” He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. That was a little too troublesome to become a part of.
“Ok, look. I’ll make a deal with you. Go and ask some other adults about it, and if you can’t get a solid answer out of anyone, then I’ll fill you in...” Kakashi groaned, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Why adults?”
“Well, because...it’s part of the deal, that’s why. Now get out of here.”
And Naruto was off to ask what sex was.
-
Question: What is sex? Answers received:
Old lady selling umbrellas on the street: “Sex is a dirty, dirty thing that you must never, ever do! You’ll get diseases!”
Information obtained: Sex is an activity, and will result in sickness.
Mr. Ichiraku: “What? Is that why you keep coming here? Naruto, if you ever so much as touch Ayame, I’ll cut off your hands and any other appendages that may or may not have touched her! Do you understand?”
Information obtained: Sex involves touching, and makes men very, very mad. It would appear to involve a girl, because Mr. Ichiraku didn’t seem concerned for himself, at all.
Ayame, about five seconds later: “Hey, leave him alone! Naruto, sex is what a man and a woman do when they love each other. They...uh...well, they kind of...get naked and, uh...start bouncing around...do you understand? Oh, forget it, just get out of here before I get mad!”
Information obtained: Sex definitely involves girls, possibly one girl and one boy at a time. You must be naked to do sex, it sounded. Then you bounce around, thus engaging in the sex. Love may have something to do with it, but that sounded like a joke. It seemed to make women mad, too.
Kurenai: “Sex is how women say sorry after making a mistake. Sex is also how men prove they are the weaker sex. Over and over again...” She sighed, walking away while muttering to herself and shaking her head.
Information obtained: The sex is used as an apology, and makes women stronger than men. Over and over again.
Iruka: “Where the hell did that come from? Uh...well, you see...sex is a special thing that a man and a woman do when they are deep in love, and want to express their love for one another. Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don’t have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say ‘do sex’?”
Information obtained: You need to wear protective gear to do sex. How is that possible if you have to be naked, though? The sex sounds like a real confusing mess, so far.
Anko: “Ha, ha, you really want to know? How about you come home with me and I’ll show you?”
Information obtained: DO NOT go to Anko’s house. She’ll get naked and is hard to get away from. ...Chains and whips, apparently, play a role in the dangerous activity known as the sex.
Gai: “Sex is the most youthful of all youthful things! Youthful young girls are like beautiful lotus blossoms, and it is the job of youthful young men to un-blossom them! To spread the seeds of youth for the future generations to grow, and be even more youthful! It is a cycle, Naruto, a cycle of youth.”
Information obtained: Gai either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack.
Tsunade: “Ha! Ha, ha, ha...That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha, ha...Oh, God, my stomach, ow...It’s also kinda sad. You’re getting pretty old. Ask Shizune, she’ll tell you.”
Information obtained: It’s sad that I don’t know what the sex is.
Shizune: “Well, sex is how babies are made. Moms and dads, when they decide they’re ready, have sex so that the woman gets pregnant, and haves the baby nine months later. ...You don’t know how to have sex? ...Uh...I have a...thing I need to go do. Right now, see ya!”
Information obtained: Babies are made because of the sex. Not sure how that happens, but ok. Maybe it’s one of the diseases that the old lady mentioned that causes women to get pregnant? That was a disease he seriously didn’t want to get. The risk for men must be low, because he had never seen a pregnant man. Lastly, Shizune runs really, really fast.
Genma: “How Shizune vents. ...Dammit, forget I said that! No, really, forget about that, seriously! Here, money for lunch, my treat. Please, don’t repeat that, ever!”
Information obtained: The sex is used to vent. Also, it is a good way to get free things. Like lunch! Altering question to test this theory.
Question: How much does sex cost? Answer received:
Asuma: “Depends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free. There’s always some kind of strings attached to it, she always wants something. That’s a pretty good question to be asking so young, kid, I’m impressed.”
Information obtained: Girls do the sex with people because they want something. I wonder if guys do that, too? Maybe I could do the sex with a girl so she buys me ramen... But how can you give the sex to someone for a present if they only do it with you if they want something from you? The sex is full of messed up logic. Well, that should be enough trying. Back to Kakashi-sensei...
-
“Well? You’re all good now, right?” Kakashi asked wearily, wondering exactly how Naruto had found him out in the training grounds, hiding up in one of the innumerable trees. Damn those ninja tracking skills, damn them to hell.
Naruto shook his head ‘no’, drawing out a groan from Kakashi.
“Well, what DID you learn?”
“Ok, well, this is what I’ve got so far: Sex is an activity between a man and a woman, in which they get naked and bounce around the room together. You have to wear protective gear, or else you’ll get diseases and pregnant, but at the same time, you have to be naked. It makes guys and girls mad to talk about, and Anko is a scary, scary woman. Don’t go to her house, seriously. Um...Oh, people use sex to get things they want, like ramen and money. Some people use sex to ‘vent’, I guess because it’s dangerous and takes their minds off of their problems. Oh, almost forgot: Women use sex to say ‘sorry’, but I don’t know why. Last, if I ever need drugs for any reason, I’ll go find Gai,” Naruto concluded, sitting beside his teacher up in the tree.
Letting out a sigh that was hidden under the onset of a gentle breeze, Kakashi mumbled, “The saddest part of that whole thing is that some of it was pretty accurate. You still don’t know how to have sex, though?”
Naruto shook his head, “Which means you have to tell me, now!”
Kakashi nodded a little, reaching into his ninja gear bag and pulling out a tape, which he handed to Naruto, “I figured it would come to this, so I was prepared. That will explain everything. That’s all I’m going to say.”
“‘Night of the Ninja, the Second Coming’?” Naruto read the title aloud, wondering why the box for it was completely black. No pictures or description or anything.
“Uh-huh. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lot of avoiding you to do now, so I’ll be leaving,” With those words, the copy ninja vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto alone to wonder what the tape held. The VCR in his apartment was waiting for him, and he had something to feed it.[/quote]
